Friday Futon - Just Like All Those Beer Commercials

I’m pretty sure that the only reason Christopher Columbus even got on that boat was because he was hoping to find a new world that was just like all those beer commercials.  Risk your life for a place where people who are incapable of anything other than happy-party-all-the-time-mode-while-always-looking-amazing gather to drink beer that’s only 55 calories?  Yes, please.

Trouble is, Columbo gets here and instead of finding himself in a swarm of blondes, he finds himself in a swarm of mosquitos.  I kid you not.  It’s cool tho cuz Topher is smart like that.  He invents the Dyson Vortex vacuum.  Bam. Mosquitos can not escape the vortex.  (You can’t even escape the vortex! Unless you were to say, snap into a SlimJim) As if being trapped in a Dyson Vortex wasn’t enough tho, he started adding gasoline and sparking it with his little flint belt dealy; you guessed it - a flaming vortex.  

You can’t make this kinda stuff up.  Last I heard, he was leading a gang down in Jersey called the Mosquito Face Killaz.