Friday Futon - What Olympic Events Should Be Or Fat Suits On Ice

The title explains the post well enough, so I’m going to get right to it.

Speed Skating - Give those kids boxing gloves.  It’s bad enough they have to wear unitards, let’s man them up a bit.

Ski Cross - Jabbing your opponent with your pole is now encouraged.

Ice Dancing - So help me God if I ever have to watch another ice dancing event without the both contestants being blindfolded and the ice rink a floating circle within a shark tank.  Watch those edges.

Freestyle Skiing - Can we put flares on these peoples boots?  Bottle rockets and M80’s would be nice too.

Curling - The stone is now a 2 foot hoagie. First team to both slide and eat said hoagie to the mark, wins.

Moguls - Hey guess what, each mogul is now a giant Whack-a-mole.  Instead of whacking-a-mole, it’s more of a beheading-a-mole sport.

Bobsled - Hide land mines filled with paint throughout the track. People with the fastest time, and least amount of paint on their sled win.

Cross Country Skiing - What a mind numbingly slow event. Let some polar bears loose.  We’ll see how fast they can really ski.  Oh.  Polar bears with lasers on their heads.

Figure Skating - If the NBC commentators don’t make you want to drink a gallon of cyanide while watching this, then maybe you would enjoy seeing the contestants in fat suits.  Fat suits on ice.