Friday Futon - The Pumping of the Crotch

I’ve been working on my guitar stances as of late. Trying to nail that stance that really speaks to the audience, you know, shows them how much of a shredder you are. There are so many factors that make up a great guitar stance: how low the guitar is hanging from your shoulders, how pained your face looks the higher up the neck you get, and of course, the pumping of the crotch.

You don’t want to have too much crotch, but at the same time, if there is no crotch out there people are gonna think your favorite song is Cumbaya My Lord.  Start with some stretching, the last thing you want is your hips to lock as you’re melting faces somewhere up on the 23rd fret; talk about embarrassing. If nothing else, master the crotch pump.

Want another?  How about the distance between ankles? How wide apart your ankles are is equally proportional (divided by two) to how close your crotch is to the stage.  What better tool to show your shredder skillzors?  Balance is important, yet, if your feet aren’t far enough apart, it I looks like you have to pee.  No one can shred while they have to pee.  Everyone knows that.

Let’s consider this one a freebie: the Monitor-Hip-Thrust-Per-Bend, a real crowd favorite. One foot on the monitor, with hip thrusts (in time) on each note bend.  Kids, the amount of lingere that is thrown your way with this move is enough to open your own Victoria’s Secret.

You’re welcome.