Friday Futon - Now Accepting Applications

I just finished eating some RT, enjoyed a beautiful day here at El Rancho Relaxo. I feel like all is well. Then I got to thinking, is there a way to make it even better? I’m not saying a better RT, Lord knows it doesn’t get any better. In fact, I’m happy with all things of this world that are beyond my control. I need to look inward. How can I improve myself, as a father, husband, as a human being.

I found the answer, staring me in the face, as if it was saying, “Why the Futon not?” So today I am taking that next step, I am officially beginning my search, and accepting applications, for a Nemesis. (What else could better motivate a man, than always being one-up’d by his Nemesis.) Here are some of the things the job would require:

• Ability to creatively undermine me
• Talent for solving life and death dilemmas mere seconds before I do
• Knowledge of my intimate secrets and ability to use them to expose my weaknesses
• Good looks (I just can’t have an ugly nemesis; I mean, what does that say about me?)
• Evil intentions cleverly disguised as good will towards men
• A cool car or motorcycle that we could race on I-680
• A strong motto (Note that “What the futon?!” is already taken)
• Ability to keep our civilian identities a secret (Unless my neighborhood security guy asks to see your ID at the gate; go ahead and give it to them)
• Some type of talent that goes beyond your average cub bear - I’m thinking water balloons and nail files… go with that…
• 2 years minimum experience as a Nemesis or a side kick to a notable nemesis
• Knowledge of the Nemesis standards (The Art of Becoming an Effective Nemesis - specifically examples of Chapters 12-15)

While this list is quite detailed, I’m flexible on just about everything as I realize lining up a Nemesis in today’s market can be quite difficult.

I forgot to mention that in order to fulfill your duties you would need to relocate to my hometown. This is essential as we will need to have interactions such as:

[Knock on my door. I answer the door to find you, my Nemesis.]

ME: Hello… Nemesis.
YOU: Hello, Futon.

[Wife, child and myself in the grocery store.]

WIFE: Hey honey, isn’t that (pointing in your direction)…
ME: (Covering my son’s eyes so he isn’t exposed to your eye locking death ray) HONEY! What the futon?!
WIFE: Yoo hoo, (insert your name here)
ME: Shut. Up.
WIFE: What?
ME: You can’t just say “Yoo hoo” to (insert your name here). He’s my NEMESIS for crying out loud.

Feel free to apply via email at motherfuton [at] gmail [dot] com.

All applicants must consent to a full brain and retinal scan. This serves a two fold purpose of making sure that you are worthy adversary, and secondly, to hopefully give me an insight into some weaknesses in yourself, that I could expose at a later date.